Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

How to differentiate yourself in this new post-apocalypse age

We all know how hard it is to try and stand out among the nameless desperate hordes outside the cities gates. Brute labor just isn’t enough in these hard times.  It is only natural. No person can live alone. There is simply too much to do. We all need help. Society must progress.

But for a tribe to accept you, you need to stand out,   Why are you worth more than the countless barbaiaran hordes? You need to stand out.  So pick one of these skills below to help makes yourself a “Survivor.”

Below is a list of the skills one should have to survive after the Apocalypse.

The lists is loosely organized around Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, starting with the most fundamental.  Within each sub-category skills needed for the short-term (or immediate survival) are listed before skills needed for more long-term survival. Pick one or two from each larger need and no tribe will reject you!

(Here I basically improv based on this list.  Instead of powepoint, someone behind a table is putting items on table as I speak of needs. All very post-apocalypse.)

Physiological Needs


How to purify water

Get water out of a cactus

How to gather rain

How to dig a well


How to start a fire without a match

How to pick a survival knife

How to skin an animal

How to hunt an animal

How to shoot an arrow

How to make a bow and arrow

How to use a gun

How to pick a gun

How to clean and maintain a gun

How to make a bullet

How to trap an animal

How to track an animal

How to make beef jerky

How to gather food

How to raise an animal

How to grow corn, beans, squash and other southwestern foods

How to can foods

How to dry beans

How to dehydrate food

How to read the weather


How to build a shelter

How to use a leatherman

Basic construction knowledge

Basic electrical knowledge

How to raid a home depot store


How to sew a button

How to repair shirt/pants

Safety Needs

Personal Security

How to use a gas mask

How to swing a golf club as a weapon

Same weapon skills needed for hunting listed above

How to build/repair a fence

How to build a perimeter

How to make a cannon

Basic chemistry

Financial Security

How to raid a pharmacy

Bargaining skills

How to siphon gas

How to start an abandoned car

How to build a solar power system

How to build a wind system

Health and well-being

How to fix a wound

Basic medical care for the short and long term

Basic psychology or counseling skills

How to swamp cool the natural way

Love and belonging needs

How to build a commune

How to make a plan

How to communicate long distance without power

How to play the harmonica

Current Project

Posted: September 25, 2013 in Uncategorized

It is awesome I still get views on this old project.  Oh, the power of search engines!  If anyone is interested in what I am currently working on check out the Arthouse Web Series! 

Recent award

Posted: September 28, 2012 in Uncategorized

I would imagine my visitors for these next couple of days will be because I won a New Times “Best Of” award for “Best Blog About the End of the World – 2012.”

I am very happy to win the award, it helps feed my ego.  I would like to say that the article is wrong that I think the Mayan Prophecy is going to actually happen.  But like I say in this blog’s “about” page, “Let’s assume that Armageddon doesn’t happen and it ends up being a Mayan-Y2K joke and we all laugh at Nostradamus.  But just in case……  why not work on some bankable skills?”

I should also note that I have not done much updating since 2011.  I also planned for this blog to be my big project for 2011.  I usually like to have a different project for each year.   So that’s why there are not a lot of recent posts.  However, if you like take a spin on the left side of this page through “Recent Top Posts” for the greatest hits .   

Thanks for visiting, and thanks to the New Times for the honor.

Character for a play.

Posted: September 8, 2012 in Uncategorized

The monlogue below was orginally written by Ernesto Moncada as a part of one of his Arcana Collective performances.   He wrote the piece for me orginally and then I have heavily edited it.



A rhythm made by snapping fingers off stage marks the entrance of Apocalypse Man, who comes in holding the Book of Lies. The snapping fingers are cut when Apocalypse Man slams the Book of Lies in the table and opens it.


One of these days, the world is going to end.

Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow but someday all of this, you and me included, will stop being what it is now to become something else, something entirely different, something brand new.

And when that happens, my friend, when the giant life-turd hits the fan with such force that it breaks the god-damned thing to shit-covered pieces, you will find out just how meaningless concepts like comfort and leisure really are, and you will remember basic happiness: To eat something delicious, to sleep in warmth, to express your thoughts and feelings with your own body and voice.

Our world, this one, fragile. Like a drunk fucking egg balancing on a tall dilapidated wall! Nuclear fallout, zombies, virus outbreaks, extreme weather conditions, social breakdown, the collapse of ATMs, the Second-fucking-Coming… Anything could shake it down! Even the most insignificant thing! The sting of a jellyfish under the full moon can trigger Armageddon if you let it!

After another sip and a drag, the man beholds what is written in the open pages in front of him and reads.

This is what the Book of Lies tells us: “Our very own underworld, so tiny and beautiful, collapses under the incredible weight of unattainable expectations.”

So, (with mockery), the future is dead… according to the Book of Lies, of course. As if we did not suspect it all along.

Well, to hell with the Book of Lies and its bullshit humanism! To hell with society’s codes of conduct! If the end of times is in fact imminent and completely out of our control, then all we have left is our God-given/Devil-approved Right of taking off our pants when things get bona fide weird!

Man leaves stage un-panted. Ashley enters with sign that says “Time passes.” flips it over and it says “That Time Passed” Or any other distraction that can represent disaster and allows for quick costume change.


Ladies and Gentlemen, Oppenheimer’s destroyer of worlds has arrived! It came like the mother of all storms, meaning business and looking the part! No one escaped its spanking.

I have encountered hostile, ugly ghettos built over dilapidated old office spaces, some with marginal resources and others with no resources at all. Barely tribes with flags; more like anarchic frat houses. I’ve seen Walmarts turned into towering fortresses! I’ve seen a pirate ship made out of super-market carts riding the highway! I’ve seen packs of hungry mutated guinea pigs ambush my-fellow travelers!

The man pulls out flask.

I toast for my long-lost treasures! To my house by the mountains, surrounded by wild roosters and cowardly neighbors; to my faithful car turned mobile fallout shelter; to the mysterious technology that connected us to the rest of the world; to the cooling system, the heather, the fridge and the stove; to the territory I always called mine even though it never really was: Salud!

The man takes a drink from his flask.

Faceless strangers and long lost friends, I bring sad news tonight: The on-going end of the world is not actually the “end of times”… Time, it turns out, just continues! An endless succession of empty minutes followed by what it seems like eons of unremarkable hours…

Man takes another pull and returns flask to pouch. The man goes for another pouch and, without even looking, takes out a tobacco pouch and rolling paper.

My friend, Say goodbye to your comic-book collection! Kiss your pornography goodbye! Bid farewells to your trophies and your jewels! You won’t need Hollywood, where we are heading next! Trust me: the future is no place for your Chihuahua!

Begins to roll cig.

To hell with your coffee grinder and your espresso machine! To hell with your smart-phone and your dumb waterbed! To hell with your electric fence and your silent alarms! To hell with your armored vehicle and your automatic weapons!

Calms down while he licks the rolled cigarette, contemplating it with pride.

We must become human cockroach ready to surf the electro-magnetic shock waves.

Continues to roll cig.

And you’re mistaken if you think this is all about what kind of gear you can get your hands on because you will need more than that to survive the end of days! You will need humor. Lots of it! You will need wits. Tons of them! And you definitely will need love… Even if it’s just a little bit, at least a quarter-full canteen to make it through the loneliness.

Ready to light up, Apocalypse Man looks for a lighter somewhere in his backpack. He rummages in several pouches with no avail. Sighing in frustration, with the un-lit tobacco caught between his lips, he gives up the search.

In the Apocalypse there are no unsolvable problems, only complicated situations; there is a difference and it is a rather important one.

He puts a hand inside one of the pouches again but this time he takes something out: Two stones.

Every crisis teaches you something valuable. There is a lesson behind each challenge; wisdom for tears is not a sorry-ass deal.

He takes a stone in each hand and starts to strike them against each other near the tip of the cigarette. He continues doing this, patiently, as he walks off stage.

I got no class

Posted: June 25, 2011 in Uncategorized

Sad news, at least sad for me.  The Community Emergency Response Team (CERT) class was cancelled.  Apparently only two people (out of 4 million) signed up for it.    Now I will never know how to triage.

Why wait all the way until December 21, 2012 for the giant meltdown of it all?

A bill board on 24st street and Osborn declares “Save the Date, Return of Christ, May 11, 2011.”

Project Caravan is the group responsible for the billboard.  This amazing quote is from their websites main banner,

“Have you heard the Awesome news? – The End of the World is Almost Here! 
  It begins May 21, 2011 – The Bible Guarantees It”


Once our bomb shelter’s food supplies run out and we crawl out to make tribes will it be better to be a jack of all trades or master of one?

After the weak are gone I would expect those that are left roaming will have certain basic skills; how to start a fire, how to build a shelter, how to trap, skin, prep and cook animals in the wild, and how to fish to name a few.
However, those with more specific skills will be in greater demand and will be able to pick the tribe they want to belong to.

Based on hours of movie watching, along with reading one of the Godfathers of the survivialist movement, Mel Tappan, the most obvious answer for the most useful skill needed is someone who knows how to use a gun. However, is it really that hard to use a gun and know how to clean it? I suspect any military trainer would tell you that using a gun on the firing range and using it in an actual combat situation is a far different thing. After all, that is why all that time is spent on military training. 

Two comments, I bet bullets will be scarce after the apocalypse, so we won’t be inclined to fire willy-nilly.  Plus, those who survive the first couple of gunfights will have the skills to know how to use a gun in a gunfight. So my thinking is someone who knows how to use a gun, while being extremely useful in the apocalypse, will be one of those skills that everyone, or at least many people have, and it won’t be a skill that sets one apart.

So what will be the skills that makes one more valuable? Obvious choice is doctor. Would it really be that hard to be a doctor in a post-apocalyptic world? I mean we are not going to be able to treat people for cancer, or perform triple heart bypass surgery, or take x-rays or a thousand other things. Would a doctor just be anyone who happened to stockpile a pile of antibiotics. Note to self: stockpile antibiotics. What is the expiration date for antibiotics? What else could a doctor treat after the end of the world?

MacGyver would be also awesome to be. But chops like that would take a lifetime to gain, no? One can’t just go out and become a whiz at figuring out how to make a high dense bomb out of baking soda, ritz crackers, and toothpaste overnight.

Back to my original question, master of all trades of master of one? Master of one will make you more valuable for a tribe, and secure your position among the tribe you like. However, you got to survive long enough first to find the tribes that are out there. Plus master of the skills that will be the most prized are skills that must be gained over many years  So master of many is the way to go for now. Or maybe I should become a quack medicine man.

Below: My neighbor working a pinata, is a great example of a man with both many and specific skills. Primarily, he can fix anything with wheels. Here he is working a pinata.
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These wonderful shots of abandoned buildings in Detroit got me thinking. While Detroit died the Sun-belt bloomed. Maybe it is our time in Phoenix?

Some idiots who count money for a living think my town is the unhappiest place to be in America.  Well, frak them.

Maybe I am just being defensive.   When National Geographic depicted their version of the end they gave Phoenix central billing.  

Phoenix gets a rough rap.  (Everyone brings up the water issue.  Me, I hope the tropics move north.)

When I manage to put my own baggage aside I can admit that the largest piece of concrete in the SouthWest might have problems when the grid fails and things go to shit-fan fast. Our greatest advantage is that everyone expects us to fail.  The rats will run out of the sinking ship fast, and therefore hopefully the idiots will consider us collateral damage and leave us alone.  This is fine by me.

AZ-SouthSide has got more than one might thing going for it at the end of the rat race. To name a few: Ancient canals, plump cactus, stockpiles of guns at Apache Junction, multiple stripmalls, along with good places to hide and wait near the drying remains of Roosevelt lake.   Plus no tsunamis, major earthquakes, floods, 0r tornadoes.

with a sign that says.  “The end is possibly near.”

Public Invited to Protest Against ‘Taking $#!+ Too Serious

Between the trip to NYC last week and participating in the Phoenix Fringe Festival for the next two weekends I have been a little light on the postings. 

Ernesto Moncada wrote and is directing the Arcana Collective in an experimental theatre performance that “embarks you on a captivating journey through underground ceremonies and shadowy thresholds.”  Ernesto wrote into the piece a character named “Apocalypse Man.”  Guess who he had in mind for the role?  My character shows the audience “why the Apocalypse is just another chaotic epiphany organized by romantic phantoms” whatever that means.

We have 5 performances in the next two weeks and I have been concentrating on remembering my parts. 

In the meantime, how about a video?

Below is Ashley Naftule and Kevin Flanagan doing a bit they did for Space 55’s 7 minutes in heaven show.   It is a relevant video for this post as Ashley is also performing in the Fringe Festival and in the video, Ashley and Kevin perform what is most likely NOT going to be the cause of the Apocalypse.

Most unlikely cause of the apocalypse from son of patter on Vimeo.