Update on What does the apocalypse even really mean?

Posted: January 6, 2011 in books, brainstorm, pop-culture, thoughts
Tags: , ,

Most likely potential causes of the End Times.

When discussing the apocalypse, people are always preoccupied with what would cause the apocalypse.  I doubt this would matter because the end of the world means end of the world, will we really care how it happened?

Regardless, here is my current analysis of the most likely cataclysms to succeed.

Zombie- Apocalypse

Despite Hollywood’s fascination and a shit load of websites on this particular Armageddon, a un-thinking horde of slow-moving attackers who have no brains because they are technically dead is not one of the likely cataclysms to succeed.

Some crazy-ass kind of bird flu (or Mad Cows disease, or fast-moving AIDS)

Mother Earth at some point has got to act out. How long would a planet’s menstrual cycle be? The impact could be immediate, but most likely the quickest it could take for an epidemic to destroy all of society is 9 months. This is a total random guess. I suppose the black plague and smallpox would be good examples of how quick a disease can spread and kill at least one-third or more of society.

Nuclear Holocaust

Now that the cold war is over a nuclear holocaust destroying us all is unlikely. Because there is such a thing as tactical nuclear weapon, it would no longer automatically be total annihilation. Unless China and India have a nuclear arms race. That would change the scenario.

However, Russia and the U.S. are no longer inclined to MADly send hundreds of weapons into space. Of course the kissing-cousin of the nuclear holocaust is the nuclear winter, which would be more of a slow freeze. How many nukes would it take to blanket the planet?

The Antichrist takes over the planet,  the good Christians miss it all by taking a one-way escalator to heaven before the 7 years of trials and tribulations.

The rise of the anti-Christ is entirely possible,  it would be very easy for the incarnation of evil to make it famous and rule us all,  just watch Jersey Shore to see what I mean.   Also things are mostly likely to fall apart slowly, so that “7 years” part makes some sense as well.  I have my doubts about millions disappearing into the air however.   The thing about the bible is you are never sure when it is speaking in metaphor.

Robots (or machines, the system, computers, the matrix) kill all organic meat.

Possible: Every time I hear someone say “Wait, my computer is thinking,”  I feel humanity has already surrendered.   I got no idea if this would happen quick or slow.  I mean they beat us at chess, how are we going to out think them when total annihilation is the goal?  In fact, why don’t computers just fight our wars for us?

The internet, the banking system and all systems that rely on technology collapse.

People, I am sorry but this will not destroy us.  Really, the internet and the banking system are not that important.  Of course the electrical system might be a different story.  See Robots (or the machine, system, computers, the matrix) kill all organic meat.

Mayan Y2K

Ah Puch returns and kills us all.  See The Antichrist takes over the planet,  the good christians miss it all by taking a one-way escalator to heaven before the 7 years of trials and tribulations.

Global Warming

This is the most likely cause.  This is also most likely to be the slowest, even slower than an Al Gore lecture.  California and all coast places are screwed.  The problem will be too much water.  I hate to sound like Lex Luthor but glad I live in Phoenix if this one happens.

Aliens Attack

Well, if that happens all bets are off.  Who knows what fuck would happen.  In that case grab your towel, your copy of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and don’t panic.

  1. Kittymama says:

    I think if the society of machines kills us all, it will be by accident — there’s nothing I can think of that they’d inherently “gain” by having us all gone.

    Of course, there are a lot of films in which we teach A. I. some kind of “law” that winds up having logical consequences we couldn’t foresee and directing them to eliminate us, so that’s possible. In other words, our own limited intelligence winds up putting our destruction in the “hands” of more rational “beings”.

  2. Brandi says:

    So, are all the technologically related apocalypse scenarios because of the predicted magnetic pole shift to happen in 2012? And apparently starting to happen now, as the north pole shifts toward Russia at 40 miles a year…

  3. I forgot about the poles! A friend of mine also suggested that I need to include the asteroid one as well.

  4. Kris Roth says:

    I’m sitting in a waiting room laughing my ass off. All of the Hispanics are looking at me like I’m a loca gringa. Can I use the “how long would a planet’s menstrual cycle be?” as one of my favorite quotes? So any luck on the gopher front?

  5. Amy says:

    The list should include your thoughts on:
    EMP attacks and Solar Wind Increases…

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